For Amah,
the jade rock of our family
“The
General”
A complete feeling of loss and shock when the news arrived. It was
hard to believe even though you try to prepare yourself for the death of a
grandparent. I knew the time would come as it does for everyone. The person who
was at my birth and every year after that to visit for 2-3 months at a time was
no longer there. She was the backbone to my mom’s family. We strived our whole life to meet their
expectations and make them proud. My grandparents taught us our core values, to
be charitable, hard working, secret recipes and of course, how to speak
Taiwanese.
My chest felt heavy and still does from time to time. She was one of
a kind.
Amah had one good kidney, which was failing. She called the shots
when it came to her health; not the doctor or her children. She decided when
she would take her pills, and she declined dialysis for 6 years.
When she fell ill, Chinese herbs gave her temporary relief. A day
later, she was sent to the hospital to be told there was nothing to be done.
She was revived and quickly sent home to pass. In Taiwan it is preferable to
die at home. Once this happens, the body should be touched minimally. Groomed
and dressed, she was laid into a coffin for the family to view and speak to
her. After this temporary time, the coffin was sealed and remained in the home
unmoved. The body was not preserved for further viewing.
A shrine was set up in the area of the house where she lay. It
contained her photo, Buddhist statues, relics, incense, flowers and other
offerings. Her clothes, shoes, towel and basin were placed beside the shrine as
a symbol of cleansing the spirit.
Praying and chanting started immediately. Chanting Amituofo (Buddha)
is most common. Different sutras will be conducted on certain days following
the death. Typically chanting occurs daily during the first week, then every
week for the first 7 weeks. Family will abstain from eating meat for these 49
days while we pray for her to be reincarnated into the human realm or higher.
For the first week prayers consisted of a daily morning prayer. During this
prayer a letter written by family is read aloud and asks her spirit to go to
the Pureland or Heaven. She must release all ties to the physical human realm
with us and not feel any attachments. We are asked not to cry in the shrine
area if able to so that she does not feel the grief and want to stay. We
reassured her that we would continue and take care of each other so that she
does not feel the need to linger. Food
is offered; paper money and paper lotuses that we fold by hand are burned.
The folded paper lotus: to help Amah float up to the heavens. In
Buddhism the lotus has many symbols. One being that its roots grow in the mud,
yet its stem shoots out through the water and even above the surface. This is
symbolic to the progress from materialism to enlightenment.
Paper money and folded paper gold nuggets: so she will have fortune
and treasure in her next life.
Paper house: so she will have a comfort in her next life.
Lights on and doors open: To allow the spirit to come and go at all
hours of the day until the funeral.
The first 7-day mark, five nuns from our temple, Ling Jiou San, came
to the house to pray. The family had been in deep mourning. After the ceremony
my mom said everyone felt positive energy and started to feel a cloud lift. My
father and brother arrived this day. I arrived the next evening.
The rituals of folding paper lotuses and gold nuggets with family
was therapeutic. It was an intentional task done together and with each fold we
honored her. We shared photos and stories. We hugged Agong (grandfather) and
admired his crops from his farm. He was so humbled that all the grandchildren
came home. Dan from Boston, Alison from Houston, Dave from New York, my parents
from CT and I, from Morocco. All other family members from my mom’s side live
in Taiwan.
On Tuesday we stayed up all night in shifts to allow a presence in
the shrine area near the front gate. This way, her spirit could be welcomed. As
soon as she passed, the lights were on 24/7. Even the rooms where we slept were
lit all hours of the night and day. It is said to bring positive energy and
welcome her in all areas of the house. This continued until the funeral.
The day before the funeral, the Taiwanese have special attire to wear
during the offering where they burn paper money, the paper house, paper lotuses
and gold, and some of her clothes. This is to give her plenty in her next life.
After a prayer led by a local monk of a Taoist temple, we walked the materials
around the corner to an empty lot. Prayers were done again and Amah was asked
to take the money, use the house and clothes offered to her so she would not be
without. Members of the family cry out these wishes during this time. We stood
in a circle holding a ribbon. Over 1 billion nt (new Taiwan dollars) in paper
money was offered. Friends and family members contributed to this.
Nearby Taoist Temple
The funeral started with a prayer to bring her picture into the
funeral tent from the shrine. A permit was given to close the road. The children
stood in front wearing their outfits that signify their relationship to her;
sons and their wives wore burlap covering as did the first grandson of the
eldest son, the daughters are in yellow as are the granddaughters of the sons,
the granddaughters of the daughters are in white and all other grandsons have a
white sash across their chest.
All family members proceeded in order of relation to the front, bowed
three times and offered her tea. Next, all other relatives did the same. My
great uncle, her only remaining sibling came in last. After this local politicians
sent their representatives to the funeral. Lastly, friends and community
members came in.
Our temple sent another group of nuns to pray. The coffin is moved
out of the house and toward the Hearst. We
circle the coffin 3 times chanting a prayer for her to follow us toward the
crematorium. A bus took family members there following the Hearst. Again,
prayers were made to have her leave our realm.
During this time, guests were invited for a meal at the house.
The eldest son, his wife and their son then brought the picture of
Amah back to their house where the ancestral shrine resides. This is where the
prayers will take place from now on. The urn was later picked up and brought to
a pagoda where they are stored with other family members.
We started at 6 am that day and we were all emotionally spent. There
was an overwhelming feeling of loss, yet contentment of a grand ceremony for a
very special woman. We honored her as best we could and I think she would have
smiled at all the recognition and love that came her way that day.
Traditions mentioned above were a variety of Taiwanese culture,
Taoism and Buddhism. They are documented as I was told by family members and my
interpretation of such. I am definitely not an expert in the religions and
ceremonies so please feel free to ask questions on any of the concepts. I will
try to find the answers.
My brother, Dave, cutting turnip that my grandfather grew.
Hsu family with Agong (Gramps)
Agong feeding his great-granddaughter <3
Grandkids (grand turnip)
Family trip to nearby temple
Overseas crew
Love heals
Laughter is the best medicine
